Ten Reasons to Love (or like or at least not abhor) Kobe Bryant

Yes, there are ten reasons...barely.

The year was 1996 and I was a husky, four-eyed 12-year-old 6th grader at Browns Mills Elementary in Lithonia, GA. Despite my glasses and my chubbiness, I was a pretty cool kid back in my elementary days. My hobbies were rocks, dinosaurs, and sports. '96 was the year I got a $50 reversible Alex Rodriguez Mariners jersey from the Eastbay catalog. Probably because of some good grades, but I always made good grades and most of the time I was not rewarded. Whatever. I digress. Point being, 1996 was a pretty good year for me.

1996 was also the year a 17-year-old Kobe Bryant came into my life. It was love at first sight. Even as a kid, I was into older men. My mom was a high school teacher and I remember always developing crushes on her male students. She taught some HOT teenagers, okay. Anyway, even before Kobe Bean Bryant was drafted into the NBA, he was BIG news. He was different. He grew up in Italy. He was skipping college. He went to the prom with now reality-TV star, Brandy Norwood. He was really, really cute in an over-grown man-boy sort of way. In 1996, Kobe had the media by the nads and he had me by whatever you hold chicks by.

For most pre-teens, celebrity crushes fade after a few years. I now reflect on all the heart throbs who've fallen by the wayside...I'll reflect privately, thank you. But, for some reason, I remained wholly dedicated to Kobe. Even when married that ethnically ambiguous video girl JUST as I was finally old enough to date him. Even when he tried to rap. Even when he [error] in Colorado. Even when he put that ridiculous rock on his wife's finger. Through everything, I have stood by this asshole. I was in a Kobe bubble that has only recently burst (ironically it was burst IN Los Angeles). I can't exactly explain WHY I continue to love and support him. But, if you're willing to give me a little time, I WILL explain why you should hate him just a little less.

#10 - The Chinese Love Him
I have never been to China and it's not in my top ten of future travel destinations, but the Chinese have good taste. Their Olympics were flawless. They breed champions and if you are a loser, you are sent to a special island for losers where you fight to the death to regain freedom. The Chinese honor champions and they have more respect for Kobe than their hapless (and now injured forever, I think) hometown hero, Yao Ming. Point being, it's very hard to get the Chinese on your side, so if they're cool with him, you should be as well.

#9 - He was on an episode of 'Hang Time'. I watched every episode of that awful show and I can't remember one plot line. Seriously, it was a terrible show.

#8 - He didn't go to college
This is more so un-educated black people will like him again. I get the sneaking suspicion that a lot of black-Americans of low socio-economic status think he's uppity. Hey! He's just as blue collar as Kevin Garnett! He didn't go to college! He even almost went to black man's college - PRISON! So lay off the uppity Negro comments.

#7 - He gave himself a sexually ambiguous (if not slightly gay) nickname
Kobe in recent years dubbed himself 'The Black Mamba'. When I hear that, I instantly of Uma Thurman and I instantly think of a woman. I don't think of a 6'5 black man, but hey, you do you Kobe. Which brings me to...

#6 - He doesn't care what ANYONE thinks
No. Kobe is not the coolest ice cube in the tray. He probably has an iPod full of Coldplay, Maroon 5, Linkin Park, and MIA, but so what. Kobe is a Virgo (borderline) like myself. We do not care about people's opinions, though we are happy to give him and be critical. Most Virgos should not have friends and like myself, I bet Kobe can count on one hand the number of true friends he has. Still, he does not care. And why should he. He's rich, handsome, and talented. You have to respect someone that lets "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes" roll off his back. Hey Shaq, tell me how divorce tastes. You fat, simpleton. Man, I can't stand Shaq. Anyway...

#5 - He Yells at Children
I don't want to re-hash that whole story, but I'm on Kobe's side in this. Sometimes a jerkface kid should be put in their friggin place! Speaking of kids...

#4 - Kobe takes care of his kids
Everyone reading this has 30 seconds to name 10 black athletes that are doing the same thing.




Thought so. Like Chris Rock said, "You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids!!"

#3 - He's got beady little shark eyes
No seriously, he looks evil 73% of the time.

#2 - He jumped over a car!

Come on!! (Please do not point out the flaws in this story. Thanks)

#1 - He Does his NBA-mandated charity work

Just a classy, classy man that's always giving back...for 10 minutes at a time...when cameras are around. I mean, really, the NBA and Kobe truly, truly care. Shooting those segments most take a lot of time. To go to the hospital, then to the schools to read, then to the one-hour basketball camp. That's one day out of the year well spent.

So, that's it. 10 mediocre reasons to give KB another chance. I can think of at least 20 basketball players that suck more than Kobe. 12 of them play in Boston. There, I said it.

LeBron and the Knicks

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on basketball. I know a lot, but I can't tell you who was the MVP of the 1979 Finals or anything like that.

I'm also a Laker fan and a Kobe Bryant fan. Eww, right? That's the joy of competitive sports. People can attach themselves to and associate themselves with a team and REALLY believe that he or she is an integral part of that team's world. It's a fantasy.

I have always been open about my indifference (and now dislike) towards the on-court LeBron James. I think he's over-hyped and over-rated. I can see what he's doing for the league with his sheer athleticism, skill, and swagger. In fact, it's what ALL young prodigies have. Since the late 1990s, we (aka the media) have been waiting on the next Michael Jordan and flash-in-the-pan superstars (Grant Hill, Vince Carter, etc) have come and gone.

No one will be MJ. Not Kobe. Not LeBron. No one. And not so much because of MJ's contribution to basketball, but because he has the illest shoes of ALL TIME. No basketball sneaker will live up to the name of 'Jordan', not even Nike! Kids in Japan buy USED Jordans. Lines for new Jordans are probably longer than any apple device. The shoes are just THAT popular.

Does LeBron have a shoe? Do people wear it? Is he a part of the Jordan clan? I don't know or can't remember and didn't bother to look it up. My point is that a friggin SHOE has more power of Jordan's legacy than 6 championships in my opinion.

So now that we'd covered that LeBron is not the next MJ because there IS no next, let's move on to talking spefically about King James. He's straight out of high school, he's 25-years-old, and has the build of a freight train. Yes, he's talented, but now after this 6-game second round debacle, I question his integrity.

There's a very good classic movie called 'A Place in the Sun' with Montegomery Clift and Elizabeth Taylor. In the film, Clift is a poor, but smart guy that moves to a small town and gets a job in a factory. He's actually related to some rich family, but they don't treat him the same because of his father. He meets Elizabeth Taylor, who is a part of the uppercrust and instantly loves her, but because of his status, he cannot be with her. Bored and horny, Clift woos one of the homely factory girls (Shelley Winters) and impregnates her. Lo and behold, though, Clift proves himself to the family and now he can be with the beautiful and glamorous Liz Taylor! There's just one problem...how does he get rid of the other girl? Well, Cliff takes the chick out on a boat, proposes, then drowns her!

This is what LeBron has done. After making a homely, working class city fall in love with him and make them believe that a championship would happen in that town for the first time since the mid-1960s, he drowns them. Just flips the boat right on over. The Cavs had the best record in the league! They beats my Lakers on Christmas Day! Then he comes out and scores 15 points in game 5 AT HOME?!?! I don't understand it. What I do understand is that LeBron is Montegomery Clift, New York is the beautiful, but evil Liz Taylor and Cleveland is poor, loyal Shelly Winters. Cleveland knew no one could love them like New York is loved. They knew LeBron would turn his back eventually. And meanwhile, NY sits in the background like they are doing nothing wrong while they've been in LeBron's ear the whole time, wooing him.

Well, I say the two deserve each other. I hope it ends better than 'A Place in the Sun.' I hope LeBron and the Knicks ride off into the sunset and win many championships.

God help you if you fail, BronBron.