Yes, there are ten reasons...barely.
The year was 1996 and I was a husky, four-eyed 12-year-old 6th grader at Browns Mills Elementary in Lithonia, GA. Despite my glasses and my chubbiness, I was a pretty cool kid back in my elementary days. My hobbies were rocks, dinosaurs, and sports. '96 was the year I got a $50 reversible Alex Rodriguez Mariners jersey from the Eastbay catalog. Probably because of some good grades, but I always made good grades and most of the time I was not rewarded. Whatever. I digress. Point being, 1996 was a pretty good year for me.
1996 was also the year a 17-year-old Kobe Bryant came into my life. It was love at first sight. Even as a kid, I was into older men. My mom was a high school teacher and I remember always developing crushes on her male students. She taught some HOT teenagers, okay. Anyway, even before Kobe Bean Bryant was drafted into the NBA, he was BIG news. He was different. He grew up in Italy. He was skipping college. He went to the prom with now reality-TV star, Brandy Norwood. He was really, really cute in an over-grown man-boy sort of way. In 1996, Kobe had the media by the nads and he had me by whatever you hold chicks by.
For most pre-teens, celebrity crushes fade after a few years. I now reflect on all the heart throbs who've fallen by the wayside...I'll reflect privately, thank you. But, for some reason, I remained wholly dedicated to Kobe. Even when married that ethnically ambiguous video girl JUST as I was finally old enough to date him. Even when he tried to rap. Even when he [error] in Colorado. Even when he put that ridiculous rock on his wife's finger. Through everything, I have stood by this asshole. I was in a Kobe bubble that has only recently burst (ironically it was burst IN Los Angeles). I can't exactly explain WHY I continue to love and support him. But, if you're willing to give me a little time, I WILL explain why you should hate him just a little less.
#10 - The Chinese Love Him
I have never been to China and it's not in my top ten of future travel destinations, but the Chinese have good taste. Their Olympics were flawless. They breed champions and if you are a loser, you are sent to a special island for losers where you fight to the death to regain freedom. The Chinese honor champions and they have more respect for Kobe than their hapless (and now injured forever, I think) hometown hero, Yao Ming. Point being, it's very hard to get the Chinese on your side, so if they're cool with him, you should be as well.
#9 - He was on an episode of 'Hang Time'. I watched every episode of that awful show and I can't remember one plot line. Seriously, it was a terrible show.
#8 - He didn't go to college
This is more so un-educated black people will like him again. I get the sneaking suspicion that a lot of black-Americans of low socio-economic status think he's uppity. Hey! He's just as blue collar as Kevin Garnett! He didn't go to college! He even almost went to black man's college - PRISON! So lay off the uppity Negro comments.
#7 - He gave himself a sexually ambiguous (if not slightly gay) nickname
Kobe in recent years dubbed himself 'The Black Mamba'. When I hear that, I instantly of Uma Thurman and I instantly think of a woman. I don't think of a 6'5 black man, but hey, you do you Kobe. Which brings me to...
#6 - He doesn't care what ANYONE thinks
No. Kobe is not the coolest ice cube in the tray. He probably has an iPod full of Coldplay, Maroon 5, Linkin Park, and MIA, but so what. Kobe is a Virgo (borderline) like myself. We do not care about people's opinions, though we are happy to give him and be critical. Most Virgos should not have friends and like myself, I bet Kobe can count on one hand the number of true friends he has. Still, he does not care. And why should he. He's rich, handsome, and talented. You have to respect someone that lets "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes" roll off his back. Hey Shaq, tell me how divorce tastes. You fat, simpleton. Man, I can't stand Shaq. Anyway...
#5 - He Yells at Children
I don't want to re-hash that whole story, but I'm on Kobe's side in this. Sometimes a jerkface kid should be put in their friggin place! Speaking of kids...
#4 - Kobe takes care of his kids
Everyone reading this has 30 seconds to name 10 black athletes that are doing the same thing.
Thought so. Like Chris Rock said, "You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids!!"
#3 - He's got beady little shark eyes
No seriously, he looks evil 73% of the time.
#2 - He jumped over a car!
Come on!! (Please do not point out the flaws in this story. Thanks)
#1 - He Does his NBA-mandated charity work
Just a classy, classy man that's always giving back...for 10 minutes at a time...when cameras are around. I mean, really, the NBA and Kobe truly, truly care. Shooting those segments most take a lot of time. To go to the hospital, then to the schools to read, then to the one-hour basketball camp. That's one day out of the year well spent.
So, that's it. 10 mediocre reasons to give KB another chance. I can think of at least 20 basketball players that suck more than Kobe. 12 of them play in Boston. There, I said it.
